Duck Duck Cougar?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
50% drunk capacity currently
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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