Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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