no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
