I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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