Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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