I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
