Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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