when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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