my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
