So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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