If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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