Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Your cock deserves a montage
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
