oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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