just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She told me I should be a condom model.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
