I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
