Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
