i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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