Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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