if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
