dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
