I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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