Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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