I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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