totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
