tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
