I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
