every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
