Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
