I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
