That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I would ride that face into the sunset
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
