She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
