My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
