Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
