If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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