I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
