I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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