i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Randomize
