I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
