Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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