his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm really busy with my period
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