Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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