I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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