youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
