I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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