You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
