I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
