I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
