Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
