My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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