Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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