No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
